Make the offer

Everyone’s waiting for permission. Give it.

Disclaimer: This article is produced for entertainment and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for the help of a licensed mental health professional or therapist.

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling, seek help immediately from the Samaritans or local emergency services.

I wanted to call it before it got awkward.

Wait for the next break in the conversation, and say our farewells.

Get ahead of the pause by shutting it down.

But then they made the offer:

‘You can come over for a cuppa now,’ she said. ‘If you like.’

And I realised that I had no real reason to shuffle awkwardly back inside our house.

Especially not when the sun was shining, the rapport was easy, and the racket from the workmen in the kitchen was enough to split my head open.

So, my partner and I did the unlikely thing.

And had tea with the neighbours.

There’s no such thing as ready

Et tu, Stu?

This might sound like the kind of thing I do a lot.

After all, isn’t my whole mission to end loneliness?

You’d think I’d find it the most natural thing in the world to build relationships with people.

And listen, I’m not the most socially awkward person.

At least, not all the time.

But in certain situations my thinking goes a little haywire.

Given a mic I tend to run with it, whether or not that was asked for.

So why was it that I was trying to exit a perfectly pleasant conversation when I literally had no other plans?

The answer might surprise you.

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The sin of over-correcting

I’ve been trying to give more space in conversations recently.

Catch myself when I’m nervously going on and on about my adventures.

Leaving before I’m ready so that someone else can take the floor.

But the thing is, that’s just half of the equation.

Yes, I’ve got better at not speaking for the sake of it.

But what about the real component that inspires reflection?

What’s better than giving the space?

What tells people you care?

Curiosity.

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How deep is your interest?

There’s a completely different quality to conversations when you ask someone questions.

A brightness that can’t help but reach their eyes.

A smile that animates their answer.

Of course, not every question is created equal.

If you’re switching topics every five seconds you’ll give the other person psychological whiplash.

No, the best results come when you navigate down the path with them a little way.

Ask a question that furthers the initial response.

It has to be relevant, succinct, and specific to them.

That’s it.

You do that once or twice, make a small note of one thing you found, and you’re ahead of ninety percent of most people when it comes to making new friends.

You see, what a lot of the ‘Influencer’ discourse gets wrong about loneliness is that the best you can offer has nothing to do with what you bring to the table.

But whether you’d offer to pull up a chair for somebody else, waiting for permission to join.

The most incredible thing is this:

You can be that person.

Nothing is stopping you.

And everyone is hoping you go first.

So, just do it.

An offer you can’t refuse

When you give people the option to talk about themselves a little, and follow that up with genuine interest, you spot the patterns that bind us together.

And funnily enough, if you’re anything like me, you realise you don’t need the best banter every second of the day.

You don’t need to constantly perform for everyone’s entertainment when you share the spotlight once and a while.

You don’t have to say something stupid to say something at all.

Give yourself a break.

Give them a chance.

And let them join you at the table.

You won’t regret the stories you’ll hear.

Or their gratitude that you saw them waiting.

And chose to make space.

Warmest regards

Your author

Stuart Found