Never fear what you feel

What Machiavelli taught me about self compassion

Disclaimer: This article is produced for entertainment and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for the help of a licensed mental health professional or therapist.

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling, seek help immediately from the Samaritans or local emergency services.

There are some nights where I can’t sleep.

I slip downstairs as quietly as I can and stare out the glass in the back door.

Not looking at anything in particular.

Nothing to see, anyway.

It’s still.

Quiet.

Except for the whirring mind that refuses to stop.

The fear that calls itself regret.

Why didn’t you say it?

Why didn’t you act?

Are you a coward?

These thoughts are not helpful.

Partly because if I let them, they’ll be right.

So how did a long dead, infamous adviser, synonymous with cunning and political ruthlessness, help?

Join me, and let’s talk about it.

The cold, cruel world of the court

For those who don’t know, Niccolo Machiavelli was a diplomat in Florence in the 1500s.

A book detailing his worldview and favourite strategies for holding power caused a huge scandal when it was published five years after his death.

It still does today.

Here’s a quote that might illustrate why:

‘It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.’

You’re right, it doesn’t scream emotional comfort, does it?

So what does this notorious figure, synonymous with guile and manipulation have to do with psychological recovery?

It all has to do with the power you give to your feelings.

Because they are powerful.

Aren’t they?

Yes. Tell them

Your loud and unpredictable adviser

Feelings get a lot of airtime.

That’s not intrinsically a bad thing, especially for guys that are starting to release the pressure valve and speak up.

But today I’m less interested in the discussions amongst others.

I’m concerned with the dialogue that’s going on inside your head.

You see, whether or not you’re talking to close friends about what’s on your mind.

How you feel tends to stay in the driving seat.

You’re angry?

Act rashly.

You’re sad?

Indulge a habit.

You’re afraid?

Withdraw.

This is not to criticise you for doing these things, but to make the point that power lies with who you listen to.

Your strategist is always at the table.

Doesn’t make a fuss.

They’re the wise introvert to the extrovert pushing you to be reckless.

So, who do you listen to when things get uncomfortable?

You may already know the answer, I fear.

Discomfort is a virtue. Use it.

What we get wrong about strategy

Although the tone of Machiavellian advice is morally questionable at best.

I have to admit, I’ve noticed that other voice, sitting at the table.

The screaming desire to respond impulsively is hard to resist.

I’m not immune to the allure of a snack.

But that’s the mistake: thinking things are mutually exclusive.

The point is not to void your emotions, nor to pretend they don’t exist.

But to choose when you give them control.

Just enough, and you’ll healthily disperse shame, guilt, and minor annoyances before they crystallise into resentment.

Too much, and you won’t recognise yourself anymore.

And that’s where regret thrives.

The place you can sit, and sit, for hours.

And never let your mind rest.

You hold the court

You’re not a bystander in your own life.

When you’re feeling exhausted.

And the temptation to give in to the feeling of hopelessness hits.

You can always acknowledge it with interest.

Turn to your left.

And ask your other adviser for their opinion.

Because you should never fear how you feel.

But your feelings should fear you.

If they can’t love you, right now.

Warmest regards

Your author

Stuart Found